what we have once enjoyed we can never lose,
all that we love deeply becomes a part of us.

– Helen Keller

 

it happened on monday at lunchtime – i was scrolling through my facebook feed waiting to place my order at my local jimmy johns (love those sandwiches).  suddenly, i came across my niece-in-law’s (seriously, there has got to be a better name then that?)  post about her anniversary.  and in a moment i was paralyzed, just staring at that post and almost in tears.

i remember their wedding day like it was yesterday – my oldest was just two months old, chris and i were on our first date since he was born, and my mother-in-law Colleen was celebrating her birthday — the same day my niece was married.  Colleen was never one for a big show, and when she caught wind they were going to announce her birthday — she ran to the bathroom.  i get the biggest smile thinking of her bolting over to that bathroom so they couldn’t announce her birthday  – even if they still did when she came back to the room.  (the loss family never misses a chance to celebrate and her running to the bathroom wasn’t going to stop them.)

in that instant, i  realized that that day would have been her 75th birthday and i didn’t even realize it.  i felt sad – sad that i forgot – sad that i forgot to ask chris how he was feeling – sad because the first birthday after her funeral,  i thought of her every moment and this year i didn’t even remember until almost half way through the day.

i was mad at myself – how could i forget so quickly, so easily?  i still think about her every day since she died.  in the past year i have spoken to her more than i would have ever imagine possible.  she has helped me through many of tough times, sending me grace and peace in my darkest of hours.  but her birthday? how could i possibly forget?   it was too late, we wouldn’t even have the chance to make it to her grave to place flowers.  how could i let other ordinary things get in the way of celebrating this day for her?

and then i stopped and took a deep breath.  i realized and remember that this is the way she would want it to be.  she didn’t need a big show, she just wanted to BE.  be with her family.  be with her grandkids.  be with her faith.  be with gus (her scottie dog).  so i let go of that moment and didn’t over dramatize it (as much as i can), and i decided to just BE.

colleen loved seeing pictures of the boys, so here’s my belated birthday gift to her (and i can almost hear her asking me to print out a few of these so she can place them on her fridge). hugs and kisses to you colleen – thank you for continuing to BE a part of me and my family each and everyday.